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Dear therapist
During this holiday season I have faced major challenges. With my sister and boyfriend The difficulties began last winter. When my boyfriend wanted to buy an investment property in the state where I live and where my sister currently resides. My sister is very upset with me and my boyfriend for investing in the place where she lives. We received angry phone calls and disrespectful messages from her. We were shocked by her answer. I still haven’t reconciled with my sister because she never apologized. But I’m honest with you around other people. in our family
Recently, my sister told our immediate family that she was pregnant. She had previously had two miscarriages. So we were all quite excited. While my girlfriend and I were visiting home He asked my parents if my sister had told our extended family about her pregnancy. Unfortunately, one of my aunts overheard him. We immediately asked her to keep her mother. But Auntie never told anyone. But when my sister shared the news with the wider family, This aunt said she already knew because she overheard my boyfriend telling her about it. This resulted in an angry message from my sister about me “getting thunder” for this announcement.
since then I blocked her via text and social media. But when entering the holiday season I’m not sure what to do. Mom feels guilty that her boyfriend doesn’t spend the holidays with us. But he felt uncomfortable around his sister.
I would love your thoughts on how to handle this situation without making it worse. At the same time protecting myself and my partner from the unwanted hate from my sister.
Dear readers
Feeling stuck between your family’s loyalties and your relationship with your boyfriend is a challenging position to navigate. Especially during the holidays You are in the midst of your mother’s desire for family harmony. Sister’s emotional needs and the boyfriend’s legitimate need for respect. Triangles like this are exhausting and can lead to resentment from all sides. It is important to stop trying to mediate and focus on transparency with all parties. Then directly communicate what kind of requests you are willing (or not) to fulfill.
To help you understand the limits you want to set. You will need to consider the family dynamics underlying the recent tensions. What stands out in your letter is how a series of small events quickly turned into a family rift. any You say that this conflict “It started last winter” with real estate investing. But such violent reactions rarely occur. Your sister’s harsh response to the investment you and your boyfriend made. It indicates that she struggles with unspoken feelings. Maybe it’s because of sibling jealousy or competition. Or the perception of abandonment when you spend time with your partner. Sometimes it’s safer to be angry indirectly, that is, to be angry at the person next to the person you’re actually angry at. Your sister seems to be channeling her feelings for you into conflict with your boyfriend. Maybe it was because at this point in her life She sees your happiness when she feels unimportant, invisible, or obscured.
I saw this too in her reaction to the pregnancy announcement: She felt like you were stealing her thunder. Of course, for someone who experienced the pain of two miscarriages, Controlling the story of a successful pregnancy may feel like one of the few facets she has on her uncertain journey. Still, your boyfriend doesn’t intend for his questions to be overheard. And you took immediate action to conceal the information. So your sister didn’t realize that her reaction was disproportionate to the danger and didn’t try to. Her outburst of apologies indicates that deeper sibling wounds are at play.
Meanwhile Your mother is playing an unhelpful role by asking you to do the right thing despite how you are being treated. Well-intentioned parents sometimes try to alleviate tension between siblings by encouraging one sibling to take what they perceive to be the smoothest path to ending disagreements. without holding the other sibling responsible for her part in creating it. The thought proceeds: Pressuring the rational and resilient side to accommodate the difficult side is easier than dealing with the underlying problem behavior. Your mother may believe that she is promoting family harmony. But in reality She made your sister’s behavior possible. At the same time, it unfairly burdens you with the responsibility of maintaining family relationships.
Your boyfriend is entering the family system as an outsider on his part, but if your relationship with him continues to grow, He will become part of your family. And these early interaction patterns may set the tone for years to come. Your boyfriend’s desire to avoid holiday gatherings is understandable. But it is worth considering the long-term implications of this decision. Avoiding completely but temporarily mitigating conflict may inadvertently cause a rift with your family. and makes future reconciliation more difficult.
Considering this context Let’s consider what you should do.
First of all, for your sister. I suggest you change your perspective from “Protecting myself and my partner from unwanted hostility” is “understanding and possibly healing a wounded relationship.” This does not mean tolerating abuse. It’s about getting to the core of what’s causing it in hopes of eliminating it. Being “friendly around family” and blocking communication may help reduce immediate stress. But there are other things that really need to be taken care of. Neither you nor your sister has created the space to have difficult but necessary conversations about what is going on here. Your sister didn’t apologize or explain her harsh reaction. And you haven’t had a chance to show how her behavior is affecting you and your relationship with your boyfriend. This avoidance pattern—managing surface interactions while allowing for underlying tensions—can lead to exactly what you see: Each new event is charged with the cumulative weight of yet-to-be felt feelings. not fixed Until both you and your sister are willing to have an honest, potentially uncomfortable conversation about your relationship. These cycles of conflict are likely to continue to escalate.
Try writing an email to your sister acknowledging her feelings without accepting blame for any perceived wrongdoing. You might say something like, “I miss our relationship. And I know you feel pain I’m sorry that recent events have created such distance between us. I am so excited about your pregnancy. And I think this time of change is an opportunity to bring people closer together. I hope we can find a way forward with conversations that feel safe and respectful for both of us. The goal is to understand what bothers each of us.”
If you are willing to do this You can start the conversation by expressing genuine interest in repairing the relationship: “I am surprised by what happened between us.” I would like to understand more about what makes you unhappy in our relationship. And I hope you try to understand how I feel. So that we can clear the air and communicate more calmly and openly in the future.”
To Mom, you might say: “Mom, I understand you want everyone to be together for the holidays. But right now that would create more tension than happiness. I know you want me to fix this. But this is about what happened between me and my sister, not my girlfriend, not you, so the most helpful thing you can do is let your two daughters try to make this work. We are adults. No matter what your options are this holiday season, And no matter what our relationship will be like next.”
Then you can discuss with your boyfriend how he imagines his relationship with your family. And what steps does he feel comfortable taking towards that vision? Maybe he feels comfortable attending holiday gatherings for a limited time. or participating in some family activities but not participating in others Often, small, manageable steps toward inclusion are more sustainable than total avoidance or forced coexistence. And taking these steps will demonstrate a willingness to be involved with the family while maintaining healthy boundaries that work for him. Remind him that your goal is to support his decision to maintain his limits. At the same time, make sure that your relationship with him does not cause any damage to this family conflict.
Remember that you cannot control anyone’s behavior. But you can control your response to that behavior. If your sister is unwilling to participate respectfully You can leave the door open: “I’m worried about you. But I won’t accept hostile messages about me or my boyfriend.” I’m glad to talk calmly about our relationship when you’re ready.” If your mom still feels guilty about your boyfriend, You can say “I know it’s hard to see your daughters not getting along. But I’m done talking about it.” Please don’t bring this up again.”
Having these conversations directly with each other allows you to relieve yourself of the burden of being tasked with resolving complex family dynamics alone. And help yourself focus on a more accessible and healthy goal: making clear, thoughtful decisions that are the best. Be interested in your relationship with both your family and your boyfriend. Even if they disappoint some people in the short term.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only. It is not considered medical advice. and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Seek advice from a doctor mental health specialist or a qualified health care provider always If you have any questions? any questions you may have regarding a medical condition
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