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My family includes farmers and fiber artists in rural Kentucky. who rarely miss Sunday services at their local Baptist church. a retired Jewish banker on Manhattan’s Upper West Side; Florida theater director Contractors in Louisville; lawyers in boston and gay Republicans
Talking about politics at family gatherings is like smoking cigarettes at the gas station. There is a good chance of making the whole place explode. Something that always fascinated me about our large blended family. It’s not just that we survived Christmas dinner. But it also includes many couples who disagree politically with the person they live with every day: their spouse. They did not vote for the same candidate. Or much less for the same party in many years.
For too long, these differences have been a common nuisance during election time. But in the past few years Those couples have more stress making decisions. Especially now When the country is divided and angry When we pull ourselves so far it feels like the seams that hold us together are finally crumbling. But every couple is still together. I wonder how they do it?
That question becomes a novel in part about the Democrat and his husband. who is a Republican running for office This book is not about politics or campaigns. It’s about marriage and ambition. And what happens when who we are in the world doesn’t match up with how we see ourselves. But in order to write it I need to do some research. I can watch hundreds of hours of Fox News and MSNBC and talk to dozens of strangers in the grocery store. But I decided to talk to my family about guns, abortion, immigration. and climate change I find politics confusing.
These are the conversations that most of us spend the holidays trying to avoid. I’m not particularly excited about having them either. But I think it’s at least effective. And I hope that maybe I’ll learn something.
I used to be a reporter at The New York Times So for 15 years I have spent many hours of my life asking personal questions about sensitive issues. When I write a story My job is to find out what the facts are and what they mean. Then I present the information so readers can make their own decisions. Over the years I have stopped countless people on the street or in parking lots to ask about politicians or schools. How much rent do they pay? and what they think about Ice skating when it’s 78 degrees in February
People I interview generally don’t ask me what I think about climate change. Or who I voted for And if they ask I wouldn’t be able to tell them. My role as a journalist is to dig up information. Not to convince anyone (I can’t say what I think about those issues here either. time (Guidelines require journalists to keep their political opinions to themselves.) I’ve had hundreds of these conversations over the years. And I can’t think of a single controversial interview. Even though I don’t agree with every word.
So I decided to approach the family like a reporter. I don’t want to go back and forth. I’m looking for information I want to know what they think and why.
I started with my brother. He lives in Tampa. And sometimes we talked on the phone while he walked around. Neighborhood with his dog This is a Schnauzer service dog that is difficult to raise puppies for. And sometimes she wears a weighted vest when she’s anxious.
We’ve always gotten along well. But it’s been a few years since we really talked about politics. The last time was at my parents’ dinner table. My mother tried her best to change the subject. As my brother and I shouted over the Chinese takeout we ordered. I don’t remember what we argued about. But I remember what that anger felt like. It was as if an animal was trying to claw its way out of my chest. I wanted to reach across the table and shake him. I can calmly talk with strangers about their views. Not everyone will agree with me. And that’s okay. But how can my brother believe these things?
Once I called my brother to explain that I was writing a book and wanted to talk to him about politics. I told him I was not interested in debating. This is research. And I just need to understand
“All right,” he said. I pictured him walking under a palm tree with his little gray dog. “Shoot.”
I start with some basics. If you were talking to a 5-year-old, I asked him: How would you explain what you mean by progress? How would you explain being conservative to the same child?
I don’t agree with his answer. But that’s not important. Some of my characters will I asked him to go on.
Tell me about immigration, I say. What do you think is fair for children who were brought here illegally as children? Why?
What do you think about affirmative action?
What should be done about climate change?
And what about abortion?
As he explains his point of view I felt like I was getting to know my characters better. I could see their faces more clearly in my mind. And it was a good excuse to talk to my brother. We both have children, jobs and marriages to take care of. And we didn’t keep in touch as much as I’d like, but suddenly we were calling more often. And I had fun I took another cautious step. I will talk to my relatives.
On paper, my father-in-law and I could not be more different: I am a gay, Jewish New Yorker. And he’s a pickup truck farmer living in rural Kentucky. But we both liked to read and joke, and over the 15 years since I met my wife, her father and I grew close. There are always topics, however, we have a difficult time discussing them. I remember one conversation many years ago. When we spent nearly an hour of the night taking turns talking about The “final point” concerns gun access nationwide. He was surprised by my perspective. And it took every ounce of my willpower not to yell at him in his own home. My wife only lasted a few minutes before getting up from the table and leaving the room.
His politics are unpredictable. For example, he doesn’t own a gun. But he likes to say he keeps a giant can of wasp spray around the house in case someone breaks in. And because there were wasps in the barn
After writing the novel for a few months My wife and I took our children. Our go to Kentucky to visit the spring. As we sat in rocking chairs around the wood stove, I talked with my father-in-law about electric cars and renewable energy. I use the same method I did with my brother. I listen. It’s research. We’re not worried about who’s right. And the conversation was…extremely satisfying! It was actually a great success. It gave me more material for my book. And no one said anything they regretted.
So I tried two other family members. One evening, I was sitting around a campfire in my backyard in Louisville. and talked with one sister and her husband about their voting methods. (Later, I’ll call this husband to ask about golf and what to do if he finds out his wife is cheating on him with a woman.)
On another visit to Kentucky. I stood with my mother-in-law in the kitchen. As flocks of white and brown sheep walked around grass field behind I asked her how it felt to be married to someone who voted differently than she did.
She sighed, shook her head, and said she didn’t understand. “But he was a very nice person,” she said.
When I tell people about my family or about my novels, One thing I hear a lot is: What if my spouse votes differently than me? I’m going to get a divorce.
Maybe you will But maybe you don’t. These couples didn’t start out very far apart. But as time passed Their views slowly changed. Like a tilted shadow in the afternoon sunlight. Until there is hardly any overlap left. But they still share their real-life day-to-day stories: kids, mortgages, jobs, they take care of each other. And if those things work If you are good to each other Are you really going to blow everything up?
None of my family members were so persuasive in our conversation that they changed their party affiliation. But the more we talked, It just got easier. And for everyone involved It’s getting harder to ignore the people on the other side. We often see his opinions in caricatures. My book is finished. But the way my family and I learned to talk to each other was stuck. We try to remember that Even though we despise each other’s leaders We are all just people trying our best.
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