[ad_1]
If you ask me about the lowest point in my life as a parent. I can pinpoint most of the day. It was early March 2021 and the UK had entered its third and longest Covid lockdown for a few months. I have lived in this country for more than a year. But it arrived only a few months before the outbreak. I still feel like a stranger in the city. My children are 2 and 3, and my youngest is in the middle of screaming. I felt overwhelmed, depressed and extremely alone. Something must change
“Household mixing” at that time was strictly prohibited. But hidden within the lockdown guidelines is a provision that allows parents to create childcare bubbles with another family. So I sent a message to the local parents’ WhatsApp group where I was added. They asked if anyone was interested in creating a bubble like this. A couple graciously accepted this offer to me. And they happened to live around the corner, just like us. They recently moved from the United States. And there was no family or friends to turn to for help. and just like us They have two daughters. After a short video chat We decided to take turns watching the kids. of each other for a few hours one evening per week.
Looking back This is a bold way to organize child care. We don’t really know these people. We didn’t check up on them and talked little about what the kids were doing. to cook or eat while they are in the care of another household Of course, it was not the expectation of either family to prepare special activities or entertainment for the children. Just to keep them alive for a few hours.
I don’t think this pact born of desperation will outlast the pandemic. But I was wrong about that. We have taken action The next “baby exchange” as we call it. in an almost continuous fashion for nearly three years. It has grown: now four families are involved. two nights a week A family brings children All for three hours. By letting other parents Spent the evening Even beyond these formal arrangements. It has become second nature for us to take care of our children. of each other as necessary On a single Friday or randomly overnight A few months ago While I was stirring macaroni and cheese in a big pot for the kids. The six people milling around me which ranged in age from 2 to 7 years old, I realized that unintentionally I have created something that resembles the proverbial “village.” that many modern parents tend to overlook
As time passes I have come to the conclusion that the success of a casual setting This is not a coincidence. Our village couldn’t prosper even though we had ridiculously low expectations of each other. But because of those things And this made something unexpected clear to me: the dominant “intensive” parenting approach that continues to dominate Americans. and family life in England was to a certain extent incompatible with village formation. You can try micro-arranging child care. Whether they eat sugar Have time to look at the screen Or someone insists that a child apologize after taking another child’s toy. Or you can let the community help with reliable child care. But you can’t have both.
phase intensive care Perhaps it conjures up images of success-obsessed parents teaching their 2-year-old their ABCs, or pressuring their 4-year-old to take violin lessons every day. Here, I use the term a bit more broadly to generalize. There is a trend among many modern parents to place importance on any decision. of parents or other caregivers too much, it reflects a It is highly defined. Perspective on raising children—a perspective that leaves parents little room for error. And nowadays they come in many different flavors. Some parents worry about validating their child’s emotions or protecting their individuality. Others aim to maximize their career potential. Even for those who reject it, an overly achievement-focused upbringing can become intense. no Putting pressure on your kids, as if nudging them to try playing football will affect their emotional development.
I believe that good parenting and raising children is important. It is good to carefully consider your child’s needs. Considering the extremes Intense approaches can deprive people of the opportunity to gain community support. This is true in simple terms. That is, if your child’s schedule is packed with enrichment activities. It will be much harder for you and the people in your village to find time to help each other. (This is no doubt one reason why coordinating a baby exchange has been so easy during the pandemic (We’re not running around doing other things.) But it’s also true in a deeper sense: increasing the importance of parental decisions assumes a level of Controlling the child’s environment is inconsistent with village life.
If you want to rely on your community You have to rely on the community you have. As the anonymous writer of the recent Cartoons Hate Her newsletter point outParents who yearn for a village cannot expect it to be. “A neighborhood that you might curate yourself. The Sims– Traditionally, a village consisted of “People around us” and you can’t expect to assert control in the same way as you do in pay Arranging babysitting When I hired a babysitter We had a mutual understanding that I was still in charge. That I was paying them to come into my home and largely replicate my care system. Money also closes the boundaries of exchange. Once the service has been received and the money has been delivered Each side can walk away knowing that they have come to an agreement. But that’s not how “Village” works.
Village agreements are transactional. Trading our children definitely involves an exchange. But the nature of the agreement is quite different. I didn’t hire the family around me to model my entire household system. I asked them to make space for their children. mine is inside their household in the evening with the understanding that I would do the same for them.
Letting each household do its own thing for the most part makes the whole situation feel more present. relax– This agreement is also consistent with the real goal of village creation: to create a network of relationships defined by a sense of community obligation. In this situation Ask for help from other households. without Agreement is normal. Because you’ll be in each other’s lives next week and the week after that. Advantages of raising children In the village it is After all, caring for each other’s children will start to feel less like a one-time favor. and become more like a normal part of life
Building a village inevitably means developing trust. That means relaxing a little. Put aside both judgment and self-consciousness about the different lifestyles of people and the care of children. Children in a small village Mine is pretty straightforward about how different our families are. They didn’t hesitate to tell me that my house was a busy one. And it’s funny that I’m never served anything but pasta. My husband and I stick to “please” and “thank you” and basically don’t let the kids watch TV at all. Other families It has its own rules and rituals. To make all of this successful I have to have faith that each household has its own reasonable system for dealing with etiquette, conflict, and screen time. And whatever those systems are They will not destroy my children.
Of course I wouldn’t abandon my children. with anyone Trusting people doesn’t mean never setting boundaries or never asking to accommodate a child who needs them. But it often means accepting that other people will manage your child’s needs in a way that you haven’t. This can be a nerve-wracking experience. It can also be valuable and enlightening. Giving your children a break from control may help dispel the fears that make you think you have everything under control. and can show you that your children Your child will adapt and succeed in a variety of environments. Villages can offer one of the greatest gifts anyone can have. It can be given to parents. That’s reassurance that the path to raising healthy, well-adjusted children isn’t as narrow as it seems.
[ad_2]
Source link
