Dear therapist
My husband and I have been together for five years. At that time, his parents had separated and were getting a divorce. My husband and his two younger sisters weren’t particularly close to any of their parents because they had very rough childhoods.
as an adult My husband and his siblings have created their own holiday traditions. My husband spends most of the holiday with my family. And his siblings spent time with their relatives before the divorce. My brother and his siblings would gather with our parents to have dinner or exchange gifts every year. (Both Thanksgiving and Christmas) But right now there are no plans to bring parts. of the family come together
In the past few weeks both parents, each living alone Started to hint that I didn’t want to be alone during the holidays and hoped to join in our plans. Both parents seemed unwilling to host – they just wanted an invitation. My sister-in-law made it clear that they would not invite their parents to join their plans with their own in-laws. This made my husband feel like it was our responsibility to “take care” of his parents by including them in our plans. Which is really my family’s plan.
What is the correct move here? May my family include them knowing it shakes our power. Or figure out how to navigate his parents being truly alone during the holidays.
Dear readers
I sympathize with the fantasy that there is a “right” thing to do in this situation. But the truth is that different choices will have different consequences. No one is more “right” than another. The best thing you can do is ponder the options. and with the clarity that comes from reflection Choose the option that feels best right now.
I say “now” because what you do this year isn’t what you have to do forever. Your extended family is going through major changes. And by this time next year, and in the years to come, the changes will have changed and settled. Finally, your husband’s parents might be able to attend the party together. Or one or both of them could find a new partner and go somewhere else. A reasonable vacation plan this year might look completely different in the future.
That should help relieve some of the pressure. Because if what you do this year doesn’t work as you had hoped, You can view the decision as nothing more than a well-intentioned temporary experiment.
to help you design that experiment. First, think about the larger dynamics at play. The reason you and your husband feel so conflicted is that your question focuses on the complex intersection of family loyalties. emotional boundaries and holiday expectations Each of these has its own weight and difficulties. Add in a painful childhood history. It’s easy to feel confused and pulled in different directions. Still, your family has a possible solution. And now divorce has turned what was once a manageable annual get-together into something more complicated.
I want to emphasize the impact of this divorce. Not just in your holiday plans. But also the family as a whole. Even though her husband and siblings were not particularly close to their parents, But I imagine they still have to deal with so-called emotions. A “gray divorce” is a divorce that occurs later in life and that creates unique challenges for adult children. Many people think that parental divorce affects children. who are less mature than small children But it can also be destabilizing in many ways. Many adult children find themselves in your husband’s position. That is, managing the emotional needs of parents. At the same time, they try to preserve their own family structure and traditions.
On a deeper level Divorce late in life signals a fundamental shift in family identity. Even if your husband’s parents are less than ideal. But he sees himself as part of a complete family—and he’s had some adjustments to make. First, he may be dealing with a role reversal. Where adult children often take on the role of parents. and feel responsible for their parents’ well-being He may feel drawn back into an unhealthy family dynamic that he would like to avoid. Notice how divorce highlights different coping strategies between siblings. Your sister-in-law has chosen strict boundaries to promote the traditions of her-in-law. Your husband, on the other hand, feels a pull towards the shelter. This difference can lead to resentment reminiscent of long-standing family roles (for example, in the past your husband was the “responsible” or “peacemaker” child), and he may eventually feel stuck. In the midst of the newly separated lives of parents They are forced to confront competing demands and perceived obligations.
For all these reasons You may want to talk with your husband about his emotional response to his parents’ divorce. What did it bring to him? How does it affect his relationship with his siblings? And how did he feel alone or supported as the family went through this transition? What drives him to take on the responsibility of “taking care” of his parents? It is a genuine desire to connect. It’s just a feeling of guilt. Or is there a genuine feeling of compassion as well? When you understand his feelings more. The two of you can have a frank conversation about three interconnected challenges you as a couple are facing: Your husband’s feelings of obligation to his parents. Your commitment to your family’s traditions and wider The question is how much responsibility do adult children have for their parents’ emotional well-being?
If you can talk with each other in a polite and compassionate manner. for each other for yourself and for his parents You will find that these conversations will not only help you understand each other better. But there are still fewer binary options than you present in your letter.
For example, you can ask his parents to join the family without “shaking” your family by not focusing too much on whether his parents are having a good time or not. And just let everyone stay You can choose not to invite his parents to family holiday gatherings. But don’t let them. “alone” alone by calling or FaceTime instead, which could include real-time virtual cooking or gift opening. Or you can make a simple dinner. And exchange the gift you did with both parents by telling them if they don’t feel comfortable being in the same room together. They can always say no. But that’s what you are. It can be proposed because you have two families to consider and three celebrations is too much. Or you can decide that a simple dinner and gift exchange is out of the question. (Because, as you say, it’s “easy”) and invite each of them to follow the traditional plan—or schedule a shorter, separate visit between them.
As you become more flexible with the possibilities, remember that the goal isn’t to solve their loneliness. But to help them adapt to the new reality in a positive way. Perhaps that involves connecting them with community resources or social groups for divorced seniors. Encourage them to create their own new traditions. and actively engage with existing social connections while seeking new traditions.
These are all valid ways to experiment with creating a holiday celebration that balances compassion for his or her parents with respect for your family’s needs and happiness. When you do this Remember that part of “caring” for your husband’s parents is helping them build independent lives after divorce. And this is one of the things that older children need to pay the most attention to.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only. It is not considered medical advice. and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Seek advice from a doctor mental health specialist or a qualified health care provider always If you have any questions? any questions you may have regarding a medical condition By sending a letter, you agree to provide atlantic ocean Use some or all and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
