How can I overcome feelings of exclusion?
Editor’s Note: Is there something that makes you feel uncomfortable, distressed, or fussy? Are you beset by existential worries? Every Tuesday, James Parker answers readers’ questions. Tell him about your lifelong or current problems at dearjames@theatlantic.com–
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Dear James
I have a group of friends who used to work together. And our friendship continues happily even though we are no longer in the same company. However, in a recent meeting, I happened to notice that there was a group message thread. And I’m not there. From the group chat name I believe it starts when we all work together. When my friends are involved in a project that doesn’t include me As a fully grown woman I feel like this shouldn’t bother me. I still get invited to gatherings. And I know that logically I wasn’t intentionally excluded from the chat. But I can’t help but feel sad. Growing up, I often felt like I didn’t fit in with other people. So I am sensitive to being forgotten or left behind. I am so glad to have friends at work who have become true friends. And I have no intention of saying anything, but I’m hurt. How can I ease the feeling of being excluded?
Dear readers
This is why I have a flip phone.
The tingling, tingling abdomen of hyper-connection. which if it fails If the right person doesn’t get back to us right away telling us the right thing. Suddenly we felt ourselves cast out of heaven like Lucifer, cast out, fallen, alone, the crystal tower receding above us. As we plunged into the abyss Our fur started to smoke and crackle… It amazes me We seem to have invented new ways to suffer. Or a new way of dealing with old ways? of suffering which is the content of your letter.
The Pain of Abandonment: How to Deal With It? I admire the quality of your speaking. You are telling yourself that you are an adult. No one is trying to hurt you. There is a non-serious explanation as to why you are not in this group of threads. And I know that sometimes it doesn’t work—you just have to sit there with that childish feeling of sadness. It will pass.
Final Thoughts: It might take a moment to reimagine your friendship with these people. It is viewed as a set of personal relationships. Instead of being the only primary link or nothing at all, group to group Because groups tend to abandon people. One way or another They can’t help it. It is what brings them together.
Write a message to yourself
James
Dear James
My 24 year old stepdaughter lives far from home and we rarely see each other. Please include it in our holiday cards. We pay all of her bills—including the therapy she goes to several times a month—except for a small amount of rent and maintenance on the new car we bought her. But she was disrespectful and rude to us. She is also fat and ugly. I had no desire to include her in our beautiful holiday card. Should I reconsider?
Dear readers
Yes, you should reconsider. Your stepdaughter is reaching out to ask for someone to stay with her. And the fact that you find her too unattractive to photograph with the rest of the family might have something to do with her in therapy. You have a chance to improve your relationship with her here. Take it!
Stand up for your stepchild.
James
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