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goodyou have A deep dark secret?
Edgar Allan Poe is widely known for writing horror stories in early America, but to me he was a social scientist who used fiction instead of theory and statistics. in arguments about human behavior My favorite example of this is his 1843 short story. story “The Tell-Tale Heart,” which describes a man who gradually Going crazy because of a dark secret The speaker describes the murders he committed. It belonged to an old man with blue “vulture eyes” like film. which the consideration of the murderer could not bear.
The speaker’s purpose in telling this story is to demonstrate his own consciousness. Poe’s objective was to study the effects of this gruesome act on the murderer. The Narrator-Assassin hides the old man’s body under the floor of his house. But then he began to hear the old man’s heartbeat beneath his feet. The sound, an obvious metaphor for the murderer’s tortured shame and guilt, grew louder and louder. In the end, the speaker couldn’t stand it any longer. Seeking help, he confessed his crimes to the police.
Of course, you’re unlikely to commit crimes like the narrator and suffer from insanity. But the genius of Poe’s psychodrama is that it lets you see how your mind works. Most or all of us have secret feelings that we feel guilty about. A secret we never tell anyone, for many people, including yourself. These tips are an emotional burden. This negatively affects your quality of life. Luckily, you can find relief easier than confessing to the police.
askThe psychologist called. Secrets we keep about ourselves concealing oneself Even though the things you conceal yourself may feel especially shameful, But the experience of keeping guilty secrets doesn’t vary much across demographic groups, insists Michael Slepian, a professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia University. website It’s called KeepingSecrets. which are organized into various categories of things that people hide from others Murder is not one of the categories on the website. The most common secrets classified anonymously involve what moralists might call infidelity or imprudence. But what is more social science language is called “social science”. “extraordinary attraction” (attraction to people other than your partner) and overt sexual behavior. In short: the heart of your narrative may revolve around love and sex.
These themes were fairly consistent between men and women. and all ages If you think that this type of secret happens very rarely in the elderly. Think again: According to Slepian, more than half of men aged 60 and older have sexual behaviors that they never openly share with their souls. Among the women of that era The idea of a special relationship that they keep to themselves is just as common. With secrets for 30 year old women
Some secrets are kept for purely practical reasons, such as not telling co-workers that you’re on the job market. But for the most part, the secret is still hidden. self protection Resist the displeasure of those you care about. For example, confessing to family that you like a co-worker who isn’t your spouse can cost you in many ways. For this reason, academics have noted that secrecy is Effective ways to avoid unnecessary conflicts in relationships
Keeping secrets may be motivated by your own negative emotions of guilt and shame, according to psychologists. set Guilt is an evaluation of an adverse action. accompanied by feelings of remorse or regret Shame involves feeling bad about oneself as a person. To express this difference in more concrete terms: You feel guilty for lying to your friend. You are ashamed of being a liar. Or to put it another way: Guilt is more about hurting others. More shameful about threats to one’s own ideas. So keeping certain behaviors a secret means not having to reveal the source of the guilt or shame—or perhaps even having to deal with it yourself. Uncomfortable about yourself from others But it also includes hiding knowledge. from yourself–
Some evidence supports the idea that guilt can be alleviated by this type of obscuration. with shame Dark secrets create suffering. As Professor Slepian and his colleagues show In a 2020 article in the journal moodShame tends to encourage you to let unwanted secrets enter your mind throughout the day. Other research It has been shown that concealing oneself tends to induce shame. In other words Shame and secrets can eat away at each other in a vicious cycle to disturb you.
This vortex of shame is extremely bad for happiness. There are also neuroscientists. show Shame activates both the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex. which is responsible for mental pain, and the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, which processes rumination. Psychologists notice Confidentiality predicts negative outcomes. (sour mood) physical illness and suffering in general
Another harmful effect of secrets is that they undermine intimacy. Creating a barrier between loved ones Secrets can ruin intimate relationships. If a friend or family member has a cold attitude towards you Don’t think it’s because of what you do. Secret embarrassment may be the cause.
KHiding a shameful secret It’s like carrying a heavy load. It weighs on your ability to think about other things. It makes you enjoy life less. It was uncomfortable and even painful. Research clearly shows that if you can find a way to put things down, You’ll feel a lot better. One 2019 study looked at adults who practiced self-masking. show As expected, the relationship between confidentiality and quality of life was negative. While revealing that secret to someone has a neutral effect on the quality of life of the sharer. and escape from obsession amend Their quality of life has reached a point where secrecy no longer has a negative impact. In other words To feel happier Tell someone your secret and let it go.
It’s not easy, I know. First, if the difficult secret involves ongoing behavior that you are ashamed of, You may need to fix that problem before anything else. We are generally encouraged to think that shame is the problem. But this painting was done with a brush that was too broad. Some behaviors are considered antisocial and trigger shame for good reason. In that sense, your embarrassment may be entirely appropriate and trigger a beneficial conscience. There are also psychologists. point out Shame can keep you from engaging in harmful behavior. If your secret involves illegal activities such as drug use or an extramarital affair that could harm your family. or harmful to your body and soul Refraining from doing so is perhaps the most important step.
Second, when you share your burden with someone else, that person is very important to you. Appearing clean to those who have a negative reaction is often an excuse for hiding oneself in the first place. and create bigger problems. Psychologists researching this topic have Recommended Select people you can expect to have a positive reaction to. People you consider trustworthy and will not suffer data damages.
That last point is important because unburdening yourself in a way that hurts those affected by your hidden behavior can be selfish. When Disclosing Information to a Loved One Is Inappropriate Is there a more formal and secure way to solve the self-masking problem? Seeing a therapist is an option. and will guarantee confidentiality. In many religions, this is also the role of the confessor.
Third step After ending the hidden behavior (if necessary) and releasing the burden on yourself, That is, stop thinking about secrets. That may not be a problem anymore. Because steps one and two can interrupt the cycle of secrecy and shame on their own. But what if uninvited thoughts about past embarrassments still bother you? Psychologists have developed a number of cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to help you move forward. These together Contemplative CBT, which works to destroy negative thoughts, is mindfulness-based CBT, which teaches you to focus on the present. and the modification of cognitive biases that reinforce attention to positive memories and experiences.
gall this They can help you if you have a troubling secret. But I have another perspective to bring to this problem. A view I suspect would have occurred to Poe, who according to his 1849 statement obituary“have very few friends” and “have few, if any, friends”
Let’s say you have a friend who you know has a haunted past. You can invite this friend to do something that isn’t a burden. Of course, you must be completely trustworthy in this invitation: you must not mention secrets to the soul. Providing such services according to the year 2018 studyIt tends to deepen the intimacy of friendship. which can be raised to another level
But keep in mind that doing this also puts a burden on you. When this secret will become yours You accept some of it to ease your friend’s burden. That is a pure act.
