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ohat night In the wake of his daughter’s death, Robbie Parker remembers Christmas cards. When you come home Hours after his 6-year-old was murdered in her classroom at Sandy Hook Elementary School, he recalled this image: He and his wife, Alissa, posing with their three young daughters, Madeline, Samantha and Emilie Alisa mailed all the cards the other day.
Amidst the shock and chaos Robbie couldn’t bear the thought of his friends and family opening envelopes and seeing Emily, a dead first-grader. He doesn’t want to cause trouble. his suffering with anyone That’s how he operated after the shooting: focused on others. Not at himself “I felt so empty,” Parker told me last week. Thinking back to the first Christmas after Emily died. “And I felt like I was cheating my children because I was in so much pain.”
He began to live each day with high alertness. Besides the loss of his daughter Parker is also targeted by Alex. Jones and other accomplices which for years haunted the corpse pile in Sandy Hook doesn’t exist. Parker and others Be a crisis actor Emily and friends Hers was not killed by the gunman.
last year which is far from New Town About 2,000 miles away in Connecticut, Parker saw his 2012 Christmas card hanging on the side of his refrigerator. He is in Utah. where he and Alyssa grew up And he was talking to the mother of an old high school friend. As he stood in her kitchen He couldn’t believe that someone outside of his family had kept that image for so long—and that they had chosen to show it. “Sandy Hook is something deep and personal to me,” he says. “I was torn. Real understanding How much does this affect other people’s hearts?”
I recently spoke with Parker and Scarlett Lewis, another Sandy Hook parent, about how they make sense of what happened. and how their grief changed over time. Lewis told me It was inspired by her religious faith. She quickly forgave the gunman, Adam Lanza. and intends to celebrate Jessie’s life. Her son through community support For Parker, the process was slower and more complicated. After living in fear for many years He finally found the strength to stand up to Jones directly. and bond with the other Sandy Hook parents on the court. Parker and Lewis have taken different paths, but 12 years after the worst day of their lives, Both refused to accept being victims of this tragedy.
LIke Emily ParkerJesse Lewis was 6 years old when he was killed at Sandy Hook. Throughout the years His mother remains passionate and emphatic when talking about her son. Scarlett was out driving with her own mother when she and I spoke on the phone earlier this week. She told me that she was responsible for what happened to Jessie. “It was in his school. in my community,” she said. This attitude surprised people. Including her mother. “I didn’t say it was mine. mistake” Lewis added. “I am saying that I am partly responsible for what is happening in my community.”
Lewis never knew how she would feel when she woke up on December 14. Many years ago, her mother would go out and buy cakes and balloons to celebrate birthdays. From the beginning Lewis tried to remember her son in a fun way. Before Jesse’s funeral She asked her mother to help her get a box of champagne. “It’s not that I’m not sad every day because I am. It’s not that I don’t cry because I do,” she told me. “I honor the feelings I have. But my intention I want to celebrate.”
Her unique path to peace and acceptance is rooted in practices of kindness. She told me that she made a conscious decision to forgive Lanza shortly after the massacre.
“There are only two kinds of people in this world,” she said: good people and “good people who suffer.” This became her life philosophy. Inspired by her faith in God. “I think we have to give our love to the people we feel least deserving of it,” she said. She told me she truly sympathized with Lanza, who reportedly suffers from mental illness and untreated developmental disabilities “Adam must have been hurt a lot,” she said. She realized she could stay angry for the rest of her life or could rely on love. When the choice seems easier Another option seems healthier.
Just like Parker Lewis knew that her actions after Newtown would affect her family members. Especially Jesse’s younger brother, who was 12 years old at the time of the shooting. “I really think so. How do I want him to deal with difficulties? And I thought so.” used to be That person,” she said. Lewis realized that pain was inevitable. But suffering can be a choice.
Living this way requires constant reminders every day. “Obviously. I never chose to have my son murdered,” she said. “However. I can choose how I respond—that is how I take back my personal power.”
Lewis is not one of the plaintiffs in the nearly $1 billion Connecticut lawsuit against Jones. But she and Jesse’s father successfully sued him in another case in Texas. and won $49 million. She told me she wasn’t out to “take down” Infowars, his company, or destroy Jones himself. He himself felt that he was a person worthy of her sympathy and forgiveness. As the 12th anniversary of Sandy Hook arrives, Jones remains inescapable. earlier this week Judge blocks Infowars’ sale to onionIt coordinated the auction with the non-profit organization Everytown for Gun Safety and the Newtown parents’ group.
From Lewis’ point of view Horrible acts such as mass murder are the end result of much larger and longer-lasting social problems. While some Sandy Hook parents are focused on trying to reform gun laws, Lewis has devoted the last decade of her life to addressing what she calls “the worst kind of gun law ever.” The “grievance end” of a path to violence, her Choose Love campaign aims to promote character development in schools.
“We would rather get angry and blame others: Uh, it’s those guns. Those are the people who didn’t vote for gun control. It’s your fault” she said, “It has nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with choosing love and doing the right thing for our children, providing them with what they need—what they need right now—and that is an important life skill to Dealing with the complexities and complexities of today’s life and the courage to face pain learn from it grow through it and grow stronger from it.”
Lewis told me that she refuses to blame others for what happened to her son. “When you blame others You lose your personal power and you become a victim,” she said. “And I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to fall prey to Adam. Lanza anymore.”
askArger told me so.Shortly after filming He struggled to process his new reality. His daughter has died and a stranger is threatening him. It is claimed that he was complicit in an elaborate scam. He finally started typing out his feelings. The original document is not intended for public consumption. But when he started sending it to friends They encouraged him to share widely. Last month he published Father’s Battle: Fighting Alex Jones and reclaiming the truth about Sandy Hook.– For Parker Completing this project was cathartic. He surveyed the floors. of Emily’s death Jones’ lies And his grief was profound. “My story is very strange, right? It’s like it’s unfathomable,” he said. “People don’t understand it. I don’t understand it I’m writing a book. Did all this really happen to me?–
Emily turns 18 this year, and Parker tells me the anniversary is harder. It’s not easier. He wondered what she would be like now—a young woman going to college. Be someone old enough to vote. He told me he was struggling to figure out how he could continue to honor his daughter’s spirit in a way that felt true to who she is today. Instead she was frozen in time as a little girl.
Emilie’s younger sisters, Madeline and Samantha, are now 16 and 15. Perhaps Parker’s toughest challenge has been raising them while traumatized. “I think this moment will make me the best father I’ve ever been. And I laughed at my naiveté,” he said. For a time, he came out of a place of anger and fear as a parent. He is worried that his daughter will be hurt like their older sister. Or will they be exposed to the lies and threats of Jones and other conspirators?
Family moves away from Newtown Parker often goes out in public and thinks people look at him strangely. and instinctively places his body in front of his children. to protect them “I know it’s changing me as a person,” he said, “and I don’t know where it’s going to go.” He and his wife objected when their daughter posted photos of school activities on social media. “We don’t want people to make those connections. and know which school they are at and analyze where we are,” Parker said. Even today Even his daughter often hides her face in photos.
Parker’s decision to join the Connecticut case against Jones in 2018 to fight his tormentor Help guide him to a peaceful place. As he stands as a witness He feels like he can finally reclaim his power from Jones.
“I thought things were being taken away from me. Emily was killed. Alex Jones took a lot from me. And I realized at one point that I gave in because I didn’t fight back,” he said. “It wasn’t his in the first place. I basically let him have it.” The first day he saw Jones walk into the courtroom, he was shocked. “He was a really sad, pathetic, broken-down person,” Parker said. “I really felt sorry for him when I saw him. And I was shocked and surprised that that was the emotion that came up for me. It disappeared when he started talking.”
Sitting in court with other Sandy Hook parents also gave him strength and courage. “They’re the only people who understand you on a really deep level,” he says. “But then you realize that I don’t know any of these people.– I did not know these families before the shooting. We lived in Sandy Hook for only eight months. Passed the test and was able to spend time with them every day and eat lunch with them during lunch breaks. I finally found out who they were.” He now keeps the birthdays of other Sandy Hook children on his calendar. And maybe send a message to your dad’s friend about something simple. Like a heart emoji when that day comes.
Instead of suppressing feelings It is this act that he believes allows him to prioritize important truths. His daughter is real. Her death was real. His pain was real. And his gradual healing came true as well. “I’m 42 now and she’s teaching me, 12 years after she died, how to connect with my emotions and share them with someone,” he said. “It’s amazing.”
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