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BIt’s time now. I was 19. I dropped out of college and was working thousands of miles from my family. When there is no money My first Thanksgiving away from home promised to be a lonely one. That is, until a local couple invited me to vacation at their house with their extended family. However, they warned me that the gathering would include my nefarious cousin named Jeffrey. No one saw him all year. But he often comes to Thanksgiving dinner and stirs up trouble with his controversial political views. There are no dogs in combat—and psychologically, I have a brother with the same name who I miss so much—I accepted the invitation without hesitation.
Jeffrey was ready to rumble. Provocative comments from the scramble lead to conflict and annoyance. This was followed by personal reprimands, yelling, and even angry tears at the end.
Your Thanksgiving probably won’t be like that. at Hostility But you may feel anxious if you have relatives and loved ones with whom you differ politically. as is generally the case The day set aside for us to count our blessings can easily be a stressful ordeal. Especially during this time of intense polarization in this country. Most likely, you want to avoid a bitter argument. In addition to the damage that may be done to the relationship. You may also notice that even though you are well-informed and can crush someone with facts, But you still haven’t “won” like the English poet Samuel Butler did. write 2221 “He who acts according to his own will / still has his own opinions.”
In the same way You may feel extremely annoyed by the exchange. By feeling like you’ve “lost.” Proper French expression—Lesprit de Lescalieror “ladder wisdom” – expresses regret for realizing too late what a clever, insightful thing you should have said at that moment. But what if you find yourself wanting a better response when you hear something you disagree with? You have another option: an answer that isn’t insulting or hurtful. Maintain your relationship with the person you love. and pray to It affects the thinking of your interlocutor. And social scientists may just have the key to what you’re looking for.
THe avoids ugly confrontations.Knowing how arguments start and escalate is important. They are generally quite easy to follow. formula– Each side claims This is followed by some evidence. For example, someone at dinner might say, “Donald Trump is a great president (claim), the economy is great under his leadership (evidence).” The answer is immediate. Yours might be: “I disagree with (claim) that we have more economic growth under Joe Biden (evidence).” The evidence is not clear. But a simple exchange This seemed harmless enough. And of course, it shouldn’t spoil the dinner. But it can also initiate complex neurological responses. which is not only ineffective But it is also destructive.
Starting out as a scientist show In a series of experiments in 2021, when people disagreed about politics Their brains will react very differently to how other people agree. People who agree with each other experience what is called neurocoupling. The brains will imitate each other. This allows social cohesion to occur. But that happens to a lesser extent when people disagree. The parts of the brain that are most active during conflict are those not used for social interaction. but for the functioning of higher levels of awareness. In other words Conflict is seen as a problem that must be resolved. It was more than a pleasant conversation.
Next, your brain when disagreeing immediately begins to lose its ability to evaluate the strength of your opponent’s argument in relation to your own. As an academic show In the 2020 article in natural neuroscienceWhen you hear an opinion that is different from yours Your dorsolateral medial prefrontal cortex. It’s the part of your brain that’s responsible for discriminating between strong and weak arguments. will show a reduced level of sensitivity. In other words You are clever in arguing with yourself. But it gets stupider when you hear your opponent’s voice.
If at this point the argument intensifies. You are likely to experience overwhelming emotions. which in the tonsils pendant The ability to reason with anger—about how foolish your relatives are. You may now assume that there is no agreement between you, which is an experimental belief. link with the conflict intensifying This is when “winning” an argument seems extremely important to you. More than unity at Thanksgiving dinner Now you will find yourself emotionally disconnected from your relatives. and vice versa Each of you said things that ruined the dinner and perhaps your relationship.
Iin the situation Explained at the beginning that I saw a case study of a neurobiological algorithm. However, several days after this row When everyone cools down The couple who invited me to reflect on their quarrel: “You know, I really don’t care. What would Jeffrey think?” one of them remarked. “But for some reason I am always a victim.” Honest views are the key to a better Thanksgiving. If you expect Jeffrey to be at your table
1. Do a cost-benefit analysis in advance.
My friend knows that the real benefit of arguing with Jeffrey is none—Who cares what he thinks?—but the costs of arguing are steep. Unfortunately, they did the analysis after that. Because the autopsy was full of regret. You can advance this wisdom by walking through two situations. At first, you may have your heart melt. Say bitter things to show Jeffrey how wrong he is. And then regretting losing its cool. Second, you can cost yourself a little by not considering Jeffrey’s obnoxious comments. Move the conversation to a more satisfying topic. Then realize the important benefits. Go to dinner keeping the chosen situation in mind. Then you’ll have a much better chance of rejecting the bait.
2. Be a social scientist
I have conducted many studies of human behavior over the years. I have never been tempted to fill out my own surveys or participate in any experiments. mine for once Because that would destroy the information and I wouldn’t learn anything. My objective as a researcher is to watch, listen, and learn. This is also a useful thought to have as you walk to Thanksgiving dinner. You have now read a brief social science analysis of how arguments are made. Think of your gathering as an opportunity to observe this incredible phenomenon. Don’t spoil the information by engaging in arguments yourself. Watch, listen, and learn. This practice will not only save you a lot of grief, But it also helps with research. also shows That when you are looking to resolve a dispute together with someone. You can reduce the physiological arousal you may experience in an encounter. The attitude of observation you adopt may calm others down as well.
3. Don’t forget to thank
My colleague at Harvard, Jennifer Lerner, studies the effects of emotional influences on behavior, such as seeking it out. Sadness triggers smoking.– in the latest study She and her co-authors show Which breeds gratitude—in common parlance. Counting individual blessings—making people in this study less likely to engage in risky actions This makes me wonder if expressing gratitude might reduce destructive behavior like starting a fight at the Thanksgiving table, as Lerner confirmed in an email. Her research found that gratitude actually Change the way we perceive the world And one effect can make us more. patient– which may include making us more tolerant She stood up as we gathered with the family.
YYou might be thinking That I didn’t give the most obvious advice: Just don’t invite Jeffrey. You’ll have to decide for yourself whether excluding him from Thanksgiving is the right course of action. And that will involve weighing strong family ties against excluding relatives because they are difficult or have what you consider to be offensive views.
But if what guides your decision is the conflict you experienced last Thanksgiving? You may want to consider some uncomfortable questions: Is it possible that you Are you a quarrelsome person in that situation? If the honest answer is yes, you have previously participated in Family Row. You can vote: Don’t be Jeffrey.
